Under the Niffler House
by Witches-Britches
Summary: Draco tries to impress Hermione with his American dream after the Ministry has assigned them to a questionable safe house in Queens.


Holiday Gift Exchange for Niffizzle

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**Under the Niffler House**

"Don't you just love the smell of maggots in the morning?" Draco queried flatly as he hesitantly inspected the inside of a small kitchen pot. It was half-filled with decaying food that only a larva could love, accompanied by a gut-wrenching odor.

When Granger did not react to his sarcasm, he turned to find her holding up a pan over what he guessed was a sink, though it was covered in so much rubbish it was difficult to tell. Before he could blink she suddenly swung the pan at something, causing some sort of squelching sound. Jumping backward, she then yelped as she backed into an object, only lowering the pan when she realized it was just the counter.

"Oh honey, you caught dinner," Draco teased. Still, he found her lacking the reaction he had hoped for, which was anything at this point. For years he had tried to get Granger's attention... at the office, running into her at the pub... she was still a bit aloof to his subtle jests. He wondered if it was due to all those years of teasing her. Nah. Though, now he figured he should be able to have her full attention, since they both had been placed in this decrepit house to protect them from what they had witnessed only two days prior.

Granger appeared rattled from whatever else she might have seen on the kitchen floor. "I don't know why I just did that."

Draco stepped in the opposite direction, casually inspecting the filth and carefully avoiding any contact. "Oh, possibly because you didn't want it nesting in your hair later tonight?"

Granger finally snapped. "This isn't funny, Malfoy!"

He raised his eyebrows at her obvious statement. Meanwhile, she continued to clap her hands clean, as if this method would get rid of all the muck on them.

"The ministry obviously made a mistake..."

He huffed, "Oh, you _ARE_ the brightest witch of your age then." Stepping around a questionable puddle of filth, Draco glanced up to see if his comment had affected her, but it was another miss. "Well, Granger, what do you propose we do? This is your domain: 'witness protection program', was it?"

She looked around, arms crossed. "Well, I will certainly look into it, but for now I need to figure out a way, without magic, to check if this is the correct place. The Ministry should have placed protection enchantments around it. Question is, how would I do that, or even contact them?"

Draco nearly slipped on a few newspapers that had fallen onto the floor from their stacks. "Oh yes, Granger, by all means. Please do all the overachieving you need to, I'll just be here... decomposing with the rest of the house."

Finally, that hit a nerve, and he hadn't even been trying that time. "Malfoy, why don't you stop your whinging and do something, for once!"

"Granger, this is your world, not mine. What should I do, go get a job? Where are we, again?"

She closed her eyes for a second, and mumbled out, "Queens… I think."

"Oh, right… I thought America didn't have royalty… but it's clear by the state of things here, it's meant to be ironic." Draco stood on his tiptoes to see what was on the cover of the feeble stack's topmost newspaper. "Any of these list jobs?"

"You cannot just go out and get a job. Let me contact the Ministry…" She stared at a landline phone half dangling from the wall. Unfortunately, most of the numbers had rubbed off from use long ago.

"Good luck, Granger. Luckily, I converted over some money. I'll go out and... well, I'm at least getting the fuck out of this house. I'll think of my next steps when I get some fresh air."

As he approached the door she called back to him, "Don't go too far… I'm not sure this is a safe neighborhood… and no magic, it can be tracked!"

That last comment was the worst of it all. After witnessing a copycat Voldemort polyjuice himself into the Minister of Magic in an attempt to continue the legacy, he, Draco, along with Hermione Granger had to go into some rubbish witness protection program. Unfortunately, this meant no magic, full stop, and be transferred somewhere 'safe'.

Draco precariously opened the front door, the hinges reminiscent of Nearly Headless Nick, and stepped out into the fresh air. Summer was winding down, but the weather was still temperate even as the sun was only just rising in the east. He scanned the street lined with tightly packed brick buildings. It was somewhat quiet, aside from neighborhood dogs yelping from afar. So far, he did not see anything dangerous. He turned back around to view their 'safe house'. The outside was deceptive, featuring a favorable green door and showing no signs of depravity on the inside. Perhaps the Ministry had not inspected it thoroughly. He was curious though, as it was nearly the only stand-alone house on the block.

The yard next door had a few gaudy decorations, and under a half-standing flamingo, he saw a rolled up newspaper with plastic surrounding it. He looked around for witnesses before pacing over and slowly leaned down to grab it. As he walked back, he reasoned, _They're Muggles right? What would they do?_

To his relief, the date on the newspaper was current, so he opened it up to the employment section and scanned it. He thought over each posting before glancing back toward the house to see if Granger would ever come out of there. No doubt she was attempting to clean it the Muggle way. He flipped the page and found other advertisements, some for garage sales, yard sales, one address of which he thought was very close to where they currently were.

He glanced up again, slowly making his way to the corner and sure enough, the street sign matched the newspaper advert. Draco walked a bit further, keeping track of how the building numbers grew larger. After a full block, he found a Muggle woman setting up tables with random objects. A moment later, along came a younger male Muggle who was overzealous with a hammer, eagerly slamming the sign into the ground until his mother screeched at him to stop. Draco looked around, wondering if that would have drawn anyone's attention.

Draco kept his distance, but observed what the woman was doing, watching as other Muggles drove up in their cars and got out of their vehicles to look around at her wares until they picked up an object that struck their fancy. They would then approach the woman and hand her money. That was it, and they would walk back to their car with the object in hand. This gave Draco a thought. He had less than fifty American dollars, but he was curious, and honestly bored. It would be hell trying to cultivate Granger's affections in a dilapidated house in Queens.

As he approached the yard sale, the lady hardly paid any attention to him, so he simply did as the other Muggle customer had, and began scanning the items. He felt he must look out of place, like a king in his crisply pressed clothes, at least when compared with the clothing that draped over the woman. Draco regretted making eye contact with her sagging tits. Merlin, didn't Muggle women have undergarments?

He began to focus on a plastic bin full of toy cars. They appeared awfully similar to some he had once seen in a Muggle toy store in London, back when he went through a phase of obsessing over the study of Muggle toys. That had given his father a proper headache. Picking one up, he knew these were just the same. He flicked one of the wheels and it spun as it should have. Under the little car was a sticker claiming them to be 10 cents each. He had to think about that. Was that more than a sickle? As he pondered, others began to gather, so he possessively picked up the bucket. Then he spotted what he recognized as a camera, and turned it over to inspect it. That's when Saggy Tits approached him. "That's a classic polaroid, but our kids don't want old cameras anymore. They want digital."

The woman mumbled on about draining batteries, which Draco did not completely understand. "Does it still work?"

She began to point to the camera as she nodded, her rubbery looking finger honing in on a spot on the camera. "Out of printed sheets though." His confusion must have been obvious because she kept going, "You can get refills at the corner shop down there."

Draco's gaze followed her gesture to the end of the block. Right, he had an idea.

He handed the woman a crisp 50 dollar bill, hoping it would cover the bin of toy cars and the old camera. A moment later, he saw in her driveway a few paper signs with stakes, and he asked if she would be willing to spare one. She did, for $1.

Draco still had change to spare, though he was not exactly sure what else he could buy with that money. Walking away with an old camera, a bin of toy cars, and a sign, he made is way back toward the horrible house, hoping it had not gobbled Granger up.

As he approached, she was standing there with her arms crossed, likely irritated that he had gone so far. "And where did you go-? What is that?"

"Granger, I have an idea." Putting his purchases down, Draco went inside the house to grab any objects within reach that did not crumble in his hands, and put them out in the garden.

"What are you doing?"

He placed a chair in the middle of the front garden and proudly stated, "We're having a yard sale."

She stood there, appalled. "Malfoy, I haven't even been in contact with the Ministry. This might be the wrong house, and-"

"That might take forever. Look, write "YARD SALE" on this sign and stab it into the earth. It causes people to buy your crap."

"Yes, I know what a yard sale is, Malfoy… but this isn't even our stuff to sell."

Draco hardly heard her, determined as he was to empty the house and see what the Muggles might buy. So far, he had a lamp without a shade, another few wooden chairs that were fairly sturdy, and a rug that appeared nice, if it weren't for the smell.

"Granger, don't just stand there, I'll need you to do this whilst I go to the corner shop."

"What corner shop?"

"It's right around there, at the corner. Honestly, quite obvious from my description, don't you think?"

She huffed, but after a few minutes, she finally resolved, "Well, if we _are_ staying here, getting this junk outside will at least make the inside bearable."

With that, laden with his toy cars and his camera, Draco peeled off to the corner shop that he had heard of from Saggy Tits. He found the place easily, and asked for some change to use their payphone. Without wasting any time, he flipped to the back of the newspaper to an ad he'd seen earlier for a cleaning service, and rang them up. He tried his best to understand what they were saying, said 'yes' a lot, and repeatedly gave them the address. After he was certain they understood him, he let them know that he could pay double if they arrived very soon, which they completely understood. This time, it was them who said 'yes' a lot. Finally, he hung up the phone, and let out a deep exhale.

"Right…" That was done, but his eye caught a man who was far too large for his pants, standing in front of a device with a screen in front. The man soon left, and was replaced by a younger boy. Feeling more comfortable, Draco drew closer to inspect the screened device. "Pardon, what…. what does that do? Is it a game?"

The boy turned, appearing confused, but the shop owner called out, "That's the internet. Don't they have the internet in England or Australia, or wherever you come from?"

His accent must have given him away. Playing it off, Draco approached the shop owner. "Er, yes, it just looks different to us."

The shop owner was wearing a baseball hat and looked like he couldn't care less. With a shrug, he asked, "You ganna buy anything?"

Draco held up the camera. "Yes, I need refills."

The man nodded and turned, grabbed something from the shelf behind him, then paused. "How many?"

Draco wondered, he wasn't sure what would sell best. Impatient, the man approached him, glancing down at the bin of toy cars. "Looks like you'll need about four packs if you're ganna photo those for eBay."

Draco paused. "Pardon?"

"Well, why else do you have that, asking about our internet? There's a scanner we just got in. Lots of people scan photos, then post them on eBay."

Draco hesitated, not really understanding what the man was saying. "What's an eBay?"

Before he knew it, the shopkeeper and the kid were both helping Draco take photos of the tiny cars, scanning the polaroids and helping him create an eBay account to sell them. The shopkeeper was debating with the kid as to which would sell most, but meanwhile, Draco wondered how he would receive the money.

"You got a debit card, son?" When Draco shook his head, he continued, "Well, just have them send checks or money orders. Also, we have some small boxes over here… packaging tape…"

Draco got the hint that the shop owner was taking advantage of him. After only thirty minutes, he had to keep handing money over just to keep the internet open. Thankfully the kid whispered to him, "You can come back to see who bid, you don't have to wait here."

Right, so before the shopkeeper took all his money, and with at least one packet of refills left, Draco took the camera and the toy cars back to the house. As he approached, he saw the yard was full of items, and Granger was meticulously organizing them. He nearly dropped his box at the sight of her bending over, her hair up in a bun, jeans rolled up, and shirt tied into a knot that showed her midsection.

"Well, what do you think?"

The items looked far better the way she had set them up than they had inside. "Quicker than a house elf."

She sighed deeply, and he experienced a moment of mild panic, having already forgotten she was not into house elf labor.

"I meant it in a good way. I don't have house elves anymore…" he stated defensively. After all, she was just starting to get on board with his plan, he couldn't lose her due to another bloody house elf debate.

He had just glanced inside the house to find it looking bare, when a white van drove up.

"Oh, perhaps our first customer-" Granger paused when saw the lettering _ABC Cleaners_ on the side of the van.

Draco put down his items far away from Granger's meticulous organization, and guided the cleaners to go in. Before doing so, they double-checked with him, "Double, yes?"

Draco nodded and explained to Granger that this was what he chose to put his money down on. "Next, we sell the house."

Granger gasped, "Malfoy!"

"Kidding. Look, you have customers." He pointed as a couple had come up to shop for the items.

By midday, half of the objects were sold. It turned out some of the objects were antiques, so Draco found similar ones amongst the piles and took photos of those so he could go back and sell them on the eBay machine.

"Not those Granger, I'm selling them on the internets."

Granger burst out laughing, only pausing when she realized he was serious. "Wait, what?"

"I have an eBay account," he said proudly.

"Is that what you were doing in that corner shop?"

"Yes, then we can get some food later with this yard sale money."

"Well, I'm guessing you'll be having that money sent to _this_ house, even though it may be the _wrong_ house." There was a small pause before she continued, hands on her hips and looking back to the small brick house. "Right, well, we should get a mattress as well if we're going to be here long."

Draco glanced over to her. Had she meant to say one mattress, or-?

"Those things are not cheap," she mumbled as she exchanged American dollars with a customer.

The customer piped in, "There's a mattress shop just two streets over, they'll give you a good deal."

That did not appeal to Draco. A _deal_ on mattresses? He only wanted one between them. He shoved a wad of money in his pocket, hoping Granger would never know how much he had left over.

As the day drew to a close, they had a wad of American dollars and a clean house, so they made their way down a few streets to go mattress shopping.

As Draco inspected the prices, he casually mentioned, "Granger, I don't think it's wise to waste money on two mattresses."

She ignored him as she lay flat on a mattress to experience its firmness. Looking up, Draco grew irritated at the sight of the salesman checking her out. "Right, we'll get that one, if it stops you gawking."

Granger sat up abruptly as the salesman grew pink in the face, and walked away quickly.

"Malfoy!"

"Granger, he was… _eying_ you. Who knows how many women he wanks to after they buy a mattress from here."

Granger scoffed. "I hardly believe he would…" She looked around and whispered, "Wank to me." She pulled at her shirt, clearly dirty from all their hard labor of the day.

Draco moved to sit next to her on the bed. "He would, Granger… any straight Muggle, or Wizard, would wank to you."

Somehow, it was a load off his mind, this sort of confession. He, himself, had felt this way even more so after he began to work at the Ministry. He could not help catching himself staring too long at her legs in high heels and pencil skirts. Before long, he noticed that other men did as well, and it made him uneasy. Soon he had begun supporting any cause that she was after, that's when he realized he had fallen hard for her. This intermingled with his self-deprecation, knowing that she would never see him in a similar manner. Not after everything.

Granger paused, turning her head away from him. It was clear he had made her uncomfortable, so he cleared his throat and got up, intent on talking to the salesperson. He paused, not turning around to face her. "Just the one, Granger?"

With a small and nearly inaudible voice, she confirmed, "Yes, after all, they are quite pricey."

He could not help a small grin before putting on his business face to deal with the sleazeball salesman.

After negotiating with the man to deliver within the hour, which involved threatening to speak to his supervisor for gawking at his 'wife', Draco handed him the cash, then threw in a few more dollars to add a set of sheets and a pair of pillows. Finally, he went back to Granger. "Ready?"

"Yes, could they deliver it tonight?"

"Man said it was no problem."

Draco could tell she was questioning this, but she followed him out the store either way as they made their walk back to the house.

"We should pick up some food, supplies…" He pointed to the corner shop.

"Right, is this where your eBay lives?"

Malfoy shoved her slightly. "I'm going to be rich, Granger."

"Malfoy, you're already rich…"

"Not here in America. I'm going for the _dream._"

She giggled. "And what is 'the dream'?"

"You know, they always talk about the house, the yard, the family…" he paused, feeling flushed, "...and other entrepreneurial opportunities."

She didn't say anything as he held the door open for her. The shopkeeper began to shout at them, "We close in one min-" before recognizing Draco. "Oh, it's you, Dragon Slayer!"

Granger was clearly shocked but Draco tried to focus on the shop owner.  
"Yes, I'm back, shall I check the eBay? I might already be rich, you know."

The shop owner gave a hearty laugh. "No, my son, maybe come back tomorrow."

Granger grabbed a basket and some items he did not recognize, while he went straight to the food section, even though had no idea what most of the selections tasted like.

"Granger, what's this?"

She was definitely not falling for his deviation of the topic as she stood next to him staring at American crisps. "Dragon Slayer?"

Draco sighed. "They wanted it to be my eBay name." When she raised her eyebrows, he continued, "Granger, I would never do such a thing, I promise."

Then she snorted. "Like you could."

"Besides, it's not humane." He gave her a side-glance to see if that would impress her, fully aware of all her magical creature protests over the years.

"So, what's your username?" she asked, picking up a bag of crisps to inspect it.

He paused, and turned, only whispering it as he walked away. "NifflerSteals."

Turning the corner, he felt her following closely behind. "Niffler… Steals?"

"Yes, I'm selling valued collectables, mind you, and at a good price… and it wasn't taken."

"Right, because they don't know what a Niffler is."

"Granger, you won't be laughing when the money rolls in. What are these?" he asked, pointing to a package with what sort of looked like a meat pie image on the front.

"No clue, I'm new to this country as well…"

"Oh, right, just thought it was in the Muggle domain," he mumbled to himself as he tried to read the ingredients. "Well, I'll try it."

After the shop owner had convinced him to warm it up in a machine, Granger grabbed the pie and placed it into a microwave before pressing a lot of buttons. After it pinged, they took it out and it was warm.

"You didn't know what this was, but knew what to do with it?" Draco inspected the wrapped food. Granger only nudged him and they brought their basket to the counter to pay.

"Have a good night, Dragon Slayer! See you tomorrow!"

Granger giggled even more as if she was waiting to burst as soon as they stepped out of the shop.

"I don't see what's so funny, Granger. I'm making a profit on the..."

"The internet," she filled in for him.

"Right, _that_."

As they approached the house, there was a truck waiting for them, and they rushed toward it, surprised the mattress had already arrived. They guided the delivery men to place it in the newly cleaned house settling it on the living room floor, then brought anything they had not sold back inside, so they could try again another day. It was a relief that the house had a much more pleasant aroma after the cleaners had finished.

"Right, I'm going to see if the showers work around here…"

"Yeah, you're pretty filthy, Granger. Best hurry on."

She shook her head, approaching him as he held the plastic bag full of supplies. Instead of grabbing it from him, she merely dug out the things she wanted. As she stood close, he studied her. She did not appear that dirty, not compared to his thoughts of her in the shower, the image of water cascading down her body. Then he perked up to remember that they would be sharing a mattress that night.

"Okay, I'll be right back."

After they had both taken turns in the shower, which mercifully worked, he realized how grateful he was that she had thought to buy soap products. Before he got out, he swore he heard a strange ringing sound from the floor below. He stopped the shower to listen, but the sound had stopped, so he finished cleaning himself before stepping out, pleased that Granger had also thought of purchasing a towel. Then he looked over to the counter. There were two toothbrushes, toothpaste, and folded clothes. Blimey, Granger had thought of everything! He did not recall how much he had paid for their shop purchases.

Lifting the shirt he noticed the front had a red heart with big block lettering 'I HEART QUEENS.' He smirked despite it not being anything he would ever purchase on the regular, but at least it smelled better than his current clothes from the day, and threw it on. Instead of pajama bottoms, there were shorts that were actually quite soft, and knew he had to thank her.

As he made his way down to the kitchen, he watched from afar as Granger, her hair damp from the shower, walked around in a similar shirt which draped over her thighs. It made him wonder if she had shorts on as well.

"You did a pretty good job, Malfoy," she admitted, handing him his corner store food, which he learned was in fact not a meat pie but a burrito.

"Thanks, Granger, glad you came around to my plans finally."

"Finally?"

"Yes, I recall you being a bit mistrusting at first."

"Malfoy, you were gone for a whole twenty minutes before coming back with toy cars and an old camera!"

"Yes, and a plan."

She took an aggressive bite out of her burrito, which only weirdly turned him on. After studying it a moment, Draco took a bite out of his own burrito. It was actually quite good.

"What would everyone say… if they knew we were stuck in Muggle America?" she mused.

Draco looked up. "What, you and me sharing a house…?"

She glanced up at him quickly, then back down to her food. "Yes… and apparently a mattress."

There it was: what they were avoiding speaking of since the topic had been brought up in the first place.

"I would not imagine anyone would approve of it."

She looked up to him quickly, putting down her wrapper of food before taking a sip of some neon colored orange drink that had fizzed when she opened it.

"Meaning?"

"Well, Granger, no one wants you in danger, and I don't imagine anyone would want you to suffer through spending more time than needed with the likes of me."

"Well, I wouldn't say… suffer. Nifflers are quite cute you know..."

He smiled down at his food, and she pushed off the counter she was leaning against and stepped closer, handing him her drink.

"Thirsty?"

He reached out to accept a bottle filled will bright orange liquid and brought it to his lips, internally far too excited to be sharing a drink with her.

As he took a sip she quietly asked, "Do you really think men wank to me?"

The question was so unexpected, the orange flavored drink dribbled from his mouth, and he failed at catching any before it dripped across his new shirt. "Granger, what a question to ask while a wizard is drinking."

"Well?"

Draco shook his head. "Do you think I would just say that to anyone?"

"I'm not sure. I honestly never expected it… from you."

He placed his food down and their shared drink, clearing any excess spill from his face with his shirt sleeve and moved closer to her.

"Granger, I wasn't making that up. I know for a fact that wizards have wanked to the thought of you."

She looked unsure of herself and he moved closer, wondering how this witch knew everything there was to know about anything, except her own beauty.

He leaned in and whispered, "I must confess, I had enough money for more than one mattress."

"Yes, I know, so did I."

Draco paused. "You have money?"

She gave a faint laugh. "Yes, Malfoy, I brought enough money here to last for a year."

Stunned, he blurted, "Why didn't you say as much?"

Granger grabbed his arm, and pulling him toward the living room, where they had set up the mattress. "Because you were pursuing the American dream. Who was I to stop you?"

Draco was stunned. Just when he thought he had it all under control, there was Granger, just like back in school, sweeping it all away in another victory.

"Yes, but had I known you had money…"

He felt her finger tips press against lips. "Malfoy, you're far more attractive when you work for it."

When she moved her hand away, they only stood there gazing at each other. Draco's heart was racing, nagging him to make the first move. So, when he caught her short glance down to his lips, he took it as a sign and quickly leaned in to kiss her. Thankfully she did not back away and pressed against his lips in return. As their intensity rose, he slid his hand across her lower back, pulling her in closer; in response, she draped her arms over his neck. It was comforting to be pressed against Granger, but soon his lower half would not allow for such innocent thoughts.

When their mouths parted, he gently swiped his tongue against hers, and was rewarded by the sound of her faint moan. Merlin, she was a bloody fantastic kisser and if she continued to make those soft mewling noises, he would lose it completely. He never thought he would have enjoyed the taste of the orange fizzy drink she had chosen as it lingered on her tongue. His mind began to buzz when she began to pull him downward toward the mattress. This was it! He was finally going to live his true dream, no matter what country they were in...

They were interrupted when the ringing noise from before echoed throughout the house again. They paused, their lips still close.

"What is that?" he asked, when it didn't immediately cease.

She looked up at him. "It's a phone, just the Ministry."

"Oh, they called earlier then? Did you answer it?"

"Yes."

"And… what did you tell them?"

"Well, when I picked the phone up, I said, 'Niffler House, how can I help you?'"

Draco glared at her, fully aware she would never be that cheeky to the Ministry. "Really, Granger, what did you say?"

A small panic arose in him, perhaps they would have to leave immediately, and all of this would have been for nothing.

She stroked his hair softly and her smile softened. "I told them they had the wrong house, and I hung up."

Draco grinned, and went back to kissing her, under the Niffler House.

* * *

Author Notes:

Thank you HeartOfAspen for your swift beta edits! All other mistakes are most definitely my own! I can only hope that this story is approved by all Niffler lovers, even if it is just a goofy eBay name :P


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